Lookie here AMY at what I can do :-). So I know I haven't been very good at blogging and thats probably why I don't have "followers" as they call them. But I find that I used to think too hard about what to write about. I've been working out with my beloved Amy and I have to pat myself on the back.. or butt. I've been hanging with the "FitDawg". Not too bad if I do say so myself.
In continuing with the craziness of life, I feel as though I should share a brief summary of the past 3 months.
November was the month that Jeffrey (husband) and I found out that we were expecting. A total shock and surprise but one that we both wanted deeply. Truly I've never expressed myself to the fullest as I will in the next few words. I didn't know what in the world everything would work out. I wasn't going to get excited until after Christmas. That was my plan. The month of December creeped up so fast the next thing I knew I had my first Dr's appt. Everything was fine but they wanted me back in two weeks. Jeffrey was bummed because he wanted to go to every doctors appt. the next appt was sched on a Tuesday and he has to work :(. So fast forward to that day.. I'm in the car with my mom who was going with me. I remember the conversation as we pulled up to the dr's office.
ME: Mom, Is it a bad thing if I am preparing for bad news?
MOM: Jess, its not a bad thing. You know how we are.
ME: I just don't want to get too excited until I know everythings good. You know get out of the "Danger Zone".
MOM: I understand. It'll be fine.
That is when we got the bad news.I knew it.
The Dr. sat there not saying a thing. She got another Dr in to look at the ultrasound. He said that I didn't look as far along as we thought.... PAUSE. Didn't look as far along as we thought?! Our baby wasn't even there!! So I looked at the Dr. calmly and said,"Doesn't look good does it?" She said,"No, I'm sorry sweetheart."
And there I was... filled with every emotion possible without my Jeffrey. My mom is definitely the next best thing after my husband but I was crushed. I called Jeffrey sobbing. The doctor took my blood to make sure my levels were going down. My parents were actually told that my 1st younger brother was miscarried around that time as well. He wasn't ;). I feel like I'm rambling. But anyways.. it was a rough rest of the week. I get a call from the Dr. on Friday @ 5p.m. (the office is now closed). Telling me that my levels are still really high and I need to come back in on Monday for more blood work. No ultrasound? This is all happening the week before Christmas. Am I having a baby or not?! I asked Jeffrey. He just gave me a huge hug and said lets not get our hopes up. I was fuming. I wanted an ultrasound and I wanted it on a Friday night. Thankfully Jeffrey's Aunt Brittany's Best Friend is an OBGYN. God bless ANGY. She met us on Saturday and opened her clinic just for me! She spent 30 minutes with us explaining everything did multiple tests and there was no more baby :(. Angy's husband preformed my surgery that Monday.
Waking up in recovery was by far the worst time thus far in my life. I've never felt so empty and alone. But in that short time I was reminded of my loving God's plan. I remembered that along time ago I gave my life to God's PERFECT PLAN. No matter the cost. No matter the pain. No matter what. I'm not going to argue with God's plan for mine and Jeffrey's family. I refuse to let the grief control me. Though I have grieved I will not be consumed by it. I have a joy in God's plan that can only be from Him.
Jeffrey and I will be attending college in the fall. I hope to still pursue photography and Jeffrey will ROCK and his MuSic degree. SO there.. that's what I've got for my 2nd Blog of the new year....
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Isaiah 58:8
2 comments:
Back to my favorite verse: You are good and what you do is good! Psalm 119:68
Sometimes the suffering doesn't make sense, but all is good in HIS perfect timing. What an awesome opportunity for you to be able to enjoy your marriage while you don't have children, go to school to pursue your passions, and most importantly, figure out exactly what God's plan is for those passions! I'm so excited for you both...but when Jeffrey's a famous musician and you're a famous photographer, just remember not to forget the little people! ;-)
Love you, workout buddy! I've had so much fun making us miserable and talking about the Cullens and life and love! I'll miss you when you leave!
Oh, and to have followers you have to add the follow option, turd. Go under "layouts", "add an element", and enable the follower option. THEN I'll follow! ;-)
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